10 Pieces of advice to my 16-year-old self

 

How to begin a healthy relationship?

10 Pieces of advice to my 16-year-old self

Winning someone's sexual attention is quite easy. But winning someone's attention and unravel his curiosity for your personality is an entirely different thing.

We are talking of another realm of emotions and motives for actions.

When I was a teenage girl, I thought that winning someone is when you succeed to get him into your bed. What I did not get is that I received something different from what I intended to gain.

What actually I was looking for, was someone to make me feel better about myself, feel more attractive, more beautiful, sexier, smarter, more sophisticated. All men will throw all kinds of compliments to have you.

What I really wanted was to feel appreciated, not to feel lonely. 

For many years I was angry at my mother that did not teach me that basic lesson about sexuality versus love.

If I could, I would tell my 16-year-old self this:

1. First, feel good with yourself.

You do not need anyone to show the world your value, or in order for you to be appreciated by your environment. You do not need to have a boyfriend to evaluate your status. You are worthy by yourself.

2. Create yourself first.

Live the life you want to live first, feel good about yourself first. Don't rush into relationships when feeling unwhole, incomplete. No one will fix this feeling for you.

3. Don't rush to make memories and pictures for the outside world.

What you see on social media and translate as happiness is rooted in a deep "behind the scenes", in the best cases. In the worst cases - it is only a flat copy. Don't create more copies.

When you see a happy couple doing something fun, it is not the action of the thing that made them happy. Their relationship is a complicated construction they built together and you do not see. You see only the result and mistaken the simple fun activities as the cause for their state of happiness.

So when you try to make the same actions it comes out flawed.

When you try to copy their visible actions you get a very flat and unsatisfying result, you drain all the meaning and depth out of these actions.

The happiness you see in people's lives is a result of a lot of hardships and mutual work. Deep feelings come from a lot of work and effort.

4. Don't start a relationship If you don't like the personality of the guy.

You know when you don't really like the guy, so be honest with yourself and don't let him in. The bodily satisfaction does not worth the unwhole experience. It is only momentary satisfaction, but the feeling of a person you don't really like so intimately close to you, will not feel as good in the long term. Always remember - you will not forget any of them.

5. Set your intentions first.

Before taking any action, sit with yourself and write down what is really that you want from this encounter, from this relationship, from this person.

6. Don't waste your time on someone that you don't want in your life for long.

You cannot play with people. If you don't see yourselves together in the far future, don't waste your and his time.

The problem here is when you are seeing someone, and get into a relationship with him but still feel as if in 2 years you probably will get bored of him - PLEASE DON'T.

You can spend 2 years with someone knowing that this relationship isn't a serious one, so there will never be a place for improvement, you are sentencing it to death from the beginning. 

7. Beware what memories you create.

5 years from now, you would look back and feel disgusted with a person you've let in your bed - you don't want this feeling to ghost you.

There is no pill yet to remove memory blocks. You don't want some memories to pop up suddenly in your future life, so please, do yourself a favor, beware of what you let inside your life because you would not be able to erase it.

8. Take every relationship seriously.

Every person is human like you, with feelings and needs.

Be honest about what you really want from that person.

The purpose of relationships is to create friction and expansion of both sides' individualities. If there is no intention to take the relationship seriously, any difficulty on your way could part you, instead of getting you closer and stronger.

Without a mutual effort to make a relationship work there will be no maturing of feelings, everything will stay flat.

9. Be exclusive with that one person from the very beginning.

Don't wait for things to get serious before you cut off other connections. Set a clear base for something new and magical to happen. Only when you clear the space in your life and in your heart, you'd be open to receive deeper variations of feelings. Allow magical beginnings by setting the scene free from distractions.

10. Make a healthy start with a clean and open heart.

Don't start relationships before you've made it out of the previous ones. It is unfair for the person you are offering your heart to, it is not a fully honest offering.

If it is a person you are really interested in, don't rush things forward, take the time you need to let your feelings lead you forth, not your logic. If you don't feel like it yet - wait until you do.